Informative Articles
Addiction to Talking
The following article is offered for free use in your ezine,
print publication or on your web site, so long as the author resource box at the end is included, with hyperlinks. Notification of publication would be appreciated.
For other articles which you are free to use, see http://www.innerbonding.com
Title: Addiction to Talking
Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com
Copyright: © 2005 by Margaret Paul
URL: http://www.innerbonding.com
Word Count: 742
Category: Self Improvement
Addiction to Talking
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
There is an old joke about people who talk a lot: ?Do you know the 12-Step program for people who talk a lot? On and On Anon!?
The joke recognizes that fact that incessant talking is a common addiction.
Non-stop talking is about using others for attention and approval because of not giving oneself enough attention and approval. The talker is not actually offering anything to the listener. Instead, the talker, in going on and on with a monologue, is pulling energy from the listener. People who end up listening to a talker go on and on are often caretakers who are afraid to hurt the talker by disengaging or by telling the truth about their boredom.
Talkers are often needy people who attempt to assuage their emptiness by trapping people into listening to them. For example, I?ve seen people telling a bank teller their life story, while the trapped teller doesn?t know how to disengage without being impolite. The problem is that one of the reasons these people are without friends is that no one wants to be with them. It?s draining to be at the other end of a needy person who uses talking as a way to fill up.
If you are addicted to talking, perhaps you believe that you are being interesting when you go on and on about yourself. However, you might reconsider the truth of this belief if you find that many people avoid you. Most people will not tell you the truth ? that they feel tired, drained and trapped in your presence, and bored by your talking. Not wanting to offend you, they just stay away rather speak their truth. They don?t answer the phone when they know it?s you, and they find any excuse to not spend time with you. It?s not that they don?t like you ? it?s that they don?t want to be used by you to fill up your emptiness.
HEALING YOUR ADDICTION TO TALKING
Imagine that you have a child within you ? your feeling self - who feels very alone. This child feels alone
because you are not paying attention to him or her. Every time you trap someone into listening to you, it is as if you are handing this inner child away for adoption. You want someone else to attend to and approve of this child instead of you accepting this responsibility.
The very fact of doing this is an inner abandonment and is creating the aloneness that is at the heart of all addictions. By expecting others to listen to you when you don?t listen to yourself, you are giving the child within a message that he or she is not important to you. When you do not take the time to attend to your own feelings and needs, you are creating inner neediness and emptiness. This inner emptiness is like a vacuum that attempts to suck caring from others. Yet no matter how often others do listen to you, it never really fills you. This is because only you can give your own inner child what he or she needs.
If you were to take some time each day to have a dialogue, either out loud or in writing, with the part of you who so needs to be heard, you would discover that you can fill your own emptiness. In addition, if you practice imagining a loving spiritual presence holding you, loving you, listening to you and guiding you, you will no longer feel alone.
As long as you believe that it is someone else?s job to fill you, you will not take the time to learn how to fill yourself. As long as you believe that it is okay to trap others and use them to fill yourself, you will continue your talking addiction. Only when you get that it is not loving to yourself or others to expect them to take care of your own inner child ? your own feelings and needs - will you start to take on that responsibility.
While you might not believe that you can fill yourself better than others can, you will not know until you try. My personal experience is that when my intention is to take loving care of myself and to fill myself with the Love that is God, I feel happy and peaceful. When you choose to take responsibility for meeting your own needs instead of abandoning yourself to others, you will never feel alone.
About the Author
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding psychological and spiritual healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone Sessions Available.
Tags: compulsive behavior, food disorders, stop smoking, sex, drug and alcohol addiction
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Tags: drugs, smoking, shopping, gambling, compulsive behavior
Informative Articles
Addiction to Self-Judgment
The following article is offered for free use in your ezine,
print publication or on your web site, so long as the author resource box at the end is included, with hyperlinks. Notification of publication would be appreciated.
For other articles which you are free to use, see http://www.innerbonding.com
Title: Addiction to Self-Judgment
Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com
Copyright: © 2005 by Margaret Paul
URL: http://www.innerbonding.com
Word Count: 704
Category: Self Improvement
Addiction to Self-Judgment
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
?I?m such a jerk. How could I have said that??
?I?m a looser. I?ll never get anywhere.?
?I?m so stupid. I should have learned this by now.?
?I don?t fit in. I don?t belong with these people.?
?I?ll never be good enough. I?ll never do it right enough.?
?I?m permanently emotionally damaged. I?ll never be okay.?
?No one could love me. I?m not lovable.?
?and so on and so on.
Are you aware of your self-judgments? Are you aware of how often you judge yourself as bad, wrong, or inadequate? Are you aware of how you end up feeling as a result of your self-judgments?
In my counseling work with people, I find that self-judgment is one of the major causes of fear, anger, anxiety and depression. Yet most people don?t realize that these painful feelings are the result of their own thoughts, their own self-judgments. Most of the time, when I ask an anxious client why they are feeling anxious, they tell me that it?s because of something that happened to them. They usually believe that an event or a person caused their anxiety. Yet when I ask them what they are thinking that might be causing their anxiety, they will tell me a self-judgment such as, ?I?ll never get this right,? or they are projecting their own judgment onto me and telling themselves, ?Margaret doesn?t like me,? or ?Margaret is getting impatient with me.? When they judge themselves or make up that I?m judging them, they get anxious. There is nothing actually happening that is causing their anxiety, other than their own thoughts.
Pointing out to them that they are causing their anxiety with their self-judgment doesn?t not necessarily stop the judgment. This is because self-judgment is often an addiction. An addiction is a habitual behavior that is intended to protect against pain. What is the pain that self-judgment is intended to protect against?
Generally, the hope of self-judgment is to protect
against rejection and failure. The false beliefs are that, ?If I judge myself, then others won?t judge me and reject me. I can be safe from others? judgment by judging myself first,? or ?If I judge myself, I can motivate myself to do things right and succeed. Then I will feel safe and be loved and accepted by others.?
However, just as a child does far better in school with encouragement than with criticism, so do we as adults. Criticism tends to scare and immobilize us. Instead of motivating us, it often creates so much anxiety that we get frozen and become unable to take appropriate action for ourselves. More self-judgment follows the lack of action, which results in more anxiety and immobilization, until we create a situation where we are completely stuck and miserable.
The way out of this is to become aware of the feelings of fear, anxiety, anger or depression and then ask yourself, ?What did I just tell myself that is creating this feeling?? Once you become aware of the self-judgment, you can then ask yourself, ?Am I certain that what I am telling myself is true?? If you are not 100% certain that what you are telling yourself is true, you can ask your higher, wise self or a spiritual source of wisdom, ?What is the truth?? If you are really open to learning about the truth, the truth will pop into your mind, and it will be much different than what you have been telling yourself.
For example, ?I?m such a jerk. How could I have said that?? becomes ?We all mess up at times. It?s okay to make mistakes - it?s part of being human. Making a mistake does not mean that you are a jerk.? When we open to the truth, we will discover a kind and compassionate way of speaking to ourselves, a way that makes us feel loved and safe rather than anxious, angry or depressed.
Addictions are always challenging to resolve, and an addiction to self-judgment is no exception. So be easy on yourself, and don?t judge yourself for judging yourself! It will take time and dedication to become aware of your self-judgments and learn to be kind toward yourself, but the end result is so worth the effort!
About the Author
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and ?Healing Your Aloneness.? She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone Sessions Available.
Tags: compulsive behavior, shopping, chemical addition, eating, drug and alcohol
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By Judith Thurman
Tags: drugs, smoking, shopping, gambling, addictions
